to tc : autumn reflections

I know that Paris sera toujours Paris. I said this often to reassure myself when I was away, but to come face to face with that reality was jarring in some ways. I spent a long time trying to process what it meant to be back, but in the end, I knew that it was absolutely the right choice to come back. Not that any of my friends ever doubted it, but my mother’s protests did have me questioning myself for a while and seriously considering staying in NYC to work in a full-time position my summer job offered me. But there’s something about displacement that forces and accelerates self-growth, self-reflection, and all of those things that are nestled within the classic “know thyself” (our fave). Staying in NYC would’ve gone the same way that Hamilton last year went: another year—or even years—of living within a familiar system, comfortably not questioning my life, getting colder and older. Don’t get me wrong, I know so many people stay and live perfectly meaningful lives, but I just can’t seem to ever be able to pull it off in my home country.

This goddamn city though. It throws me down to the dirty cobblestone ground (sometimes literally), daring me to push back and stand the fuck up to be the brilliant person I am. I have to push and fight for everything that I have, and I’m so much more grateful for every small victory. There’s also something about being here that forces me to be more emotionally vulnerable and open in ways that I find nearly impossible to be in the States. My heart is constantly buzzing with this energy that feels like a combination of stage fright + falling in love + excitement.