to adam : human hollows
The past month has been rough. My father lost his job. Coco has moved back home to Strasbourg for work, Peace Corps medical paperwork is consuming my life, I haven’t seen Jacob without the presence of Jean-Marc in weeks, and Quentin is far far away. Some mornings I wonder if I’ve just imagined him.
For you, the names and the details don’t matter. Not really. What does matter is the overwhelming feeling of loneliness as I’ve lost a lot of dear friends to the natural flows of city living. There’s this feeling that I’ve lost my claim to this city with them. Il fait froid ici et je ne sais pas s’il est juste le temps ou les trous que je me sens dans mon âme. Human shaped hollows.
C’est la vie, comme ils disent. Ou plus precisement, c’est la ville. Avec les grandes villes comme Paris ou New York (les villes où j’ai mis mon cœur, comme une maudite idiote), ils sont toujours comme ça. I guess that’s what I love about these places but it’s so heartbreaking at the same time.
It’s been a strange in-between month. I sometimes feel like my era in Paris is drawing to a close, which is such a strange feeling. I’ve always associated this city with part of who I’ve become; this feels like the loss of first love in some ways.
Trying to stay positive though because spring is coming and Paris in the springtime is beautiful beyond belief. It’s my favorite season here by far. The days lengthen, the air warms, and even the frigid Parisians thaw a tiny bit. There are crocuses, daffodils, magnolias, lilies of the valley. Followed by the hyacinths, cherry blossoms, forsythias. Then the rest of the world explodes in color, a kaleidoscope that I once knew all the names too, when I was a strange eight year old obsessed with botany.
Staying positive because this is the season of picnics and endless walks across the city. I walk everywhere when it’s warm, in search of the heady feeling of the city folding in on itself underneath my feet, the contentment that comes with the realization that the vastness of the city is containable and this is home.
And staying positive especially because Paris is still here, regardless of the changes in my life. Art and music are still as wild and free as ever here. And I’m still growing and changing and learning and I hope that this city never lets me stop.